Equality for me…

Working on my speech assignment for one of class about the oral presentation, I research some fact and data about women, because my topic for that speech is something that i am concern and interested about..about the equality..well..i prefer to call it smart equality between men and women, the career for women, and i found a classic proverb, but somehow always interesting for me:

Woman was created from the rib of man.
She was not made from his head to be above him,
nor was she made from his feet to be trampled on.
She was created out of his side to equal him,
under his arm to be protected by him
and near his heart to be loved.

I love the proverb..and somehow..just sounds so rhyme to me

Thread me equally,

Don’t give the stick to me..because once i’m in front, i may be too busy with myself and my own world, and suddenly just forget about you.

But..once you leave me..i will never force myself to run after you..my pride doesn’t let me to..
If you want to speed up..just tell me, take my hand..i’ll speed up myself to be by your side. you know that i am capable to..
Leaving me behind without a word is a waving goodbye to me..because i’m just a kinda too sensitive person, i will never beg for acceptance of my existence, i will just keep quite and turn my way out of your reach, even before you realize it.

I am selfish and difficult? i guess so..that’s the way how i protect my pride and dignity, and i know some people just can see me speechless..

-Tina-

in her mess and sleepy time, Taipe 2.21 am

Sensing the heartache…

People say, there are many things that can’t be solved by logic, nor sense..let’s say like feeling and heartache
But…
There are sometimes that we do really want to sense it, just to make it reasonable and easier to deal with..don’t you?
because i do..I am trying to sense how the heartache come up..i even make the research what the hormones involve into, scientifically reasons behind the heartbreak, and tears.. and this explanation sounds make sense for me

But..again..somehow..there many things unsolved
somebody tell me please..
why such simple words, which sometimes i know are not meant to hurt could make something spread from inside my chest, choke up my throat and send tears to my eyes..and i have to fight to have a bit cough to clear my throat , blink my eyes to wipe the tears away..and needs minutes to make it feels lighter and accept it that way..
If it does work, it may just leaves kind of hurt breathless, but the worst if it doesn’t work, it disturbs my mood, and leave some mark inside..

somebody tell me why…
somebody tell me, what things spread out from the chest, how to stop it..so i can stop hitting my own chest
I’m just too old to deal with…

And i really hate myself when such simple words and jokes even drive me to burst into tears..

perfection of the imperfect you…

What’s so special of being perfect? i rather say it’s boring…
But it doesn’t mean we let our self be stupid…
Stupid when we try to copy someone’s style
stupid when we live in shadow of someone’s wanna be
stupid when we drag ouself into who we are not just because we want to get acceptance of who we are not

Again, ask me what is the most insanity and idiotic people can do..i would absolutely answer, of not being yourself, or being copycat of someone else…

We are unique as ourself, the imperfection that we have even makes life colorful, it is beautiful, lovable, . They show our personality, of what we really are, they make us communicate in dealing and matching things with others..

stay what you are..stop being stupid copycat..
you are you..
you with your name
you with your face
you with your attitude
is just you
and that’s the perfect for me

Tina
in stage of being sick with the ‘copycater’
and sorry guys, i don’t deal with those people..ignoring is the best way i can do

you win over me..

I know, i’m mean
I’m not only being mean to people…
but the worst thing is i am also being so mean to myself, with consequences that sometimes make me cry inside or regret it a lot..but anyway..i just can do nothing..
all the things i know, there’s someone win over this all…
someone who i’ve been dealing with for like whole of my life, especially in the last 3 years..

Someone who keeps whispering

stay flat, put that smile on
don’t cry..don’t get into deep

thank you, and i win
sincerely yours,
-my pride-

(un)foretunately I am

Some people are good in covering emotion, and I guess, sometimes I am, I know, people think i’m just kinda outgoing people who is easily getting a long with something, and my emotion fluctuation, some people say, is just something easy to see from my expression and what i do and sing , that’s true..but the truth is, I’m not always that simple, there are many times, i can laugh while hiding things, or look okay and happy when I am not..But i tell you, there is one thing that i can never fake; treating people..i just can’t fake my attitude to people, i can’t pretend being nice to people if i know i just don’t like them

And (un)fortunately i never try to pretend about any any thing who i am not, i can’t be nice when i don’t like, all the best or maybe worst thing i can do is ignoring..yes, one more thing i realize recently, how i develop my ignorance level to something that even surprises myself. For me, when things are still worth to fight, no matter how it cost and how it hurts i will just fight for it, communicate, explain, and get apology once i am wrong..but, if i know my level of tolerance reach to the limit, i even stop my anger, and put those things into really nothing, and i just act it as really..really nothing, totally ignore

But look..listen, i don’t do it for no reason, i’m not kind of person who change the mood without any reason, there must be a reason, and when i don’t spell it out is just i don’t want to make something become awkward or i just feel that it’s just not worthy enough to receive my explanation..

What can I say…being me is this, i never pretend to be everybody’s favorite, everybody can hate me for any reason that they have, but, i tell you that the reason is never because i am stupid, because i know, i am not..i’m difficult person, i never demand for something perfect, but anyhow, i hate someone stupid..I know my movement, my ignorance, many times hurt people, but trust me..me, myself is sensitive person, so i know when I do wrong. Once i do wrong, i will really come for an apology, but once i know i am not wrong, i will just stay still and ‘enjoy’ how things run around..I just can’t fake myself, and sometimes, when thing is scratched, it may be healed, but somehow the mark is just there still…

mmmm.. I am stubborn.. yes i am

Let me be..

I don’t think that I am becoming over sensitive to everything thus easily burst into anger
I am always sensitive, it’s just the matter how i’ve been covering those all
and this is one of those days, when all i wanna do is just screaming out all the fucking damn cursing words in my mind, let me be..let me be someone normal, wouldn’t that be okay? anyway why should i care whether it’s okay or not okay..just let me be, when my okay means it’s hurt, when my nothing means something, and my back is my hide-away..let me be, because this smile doesn’t always suit on me!

Tina
-yearn for mom’s hug-

Nothing..bla..bla..

Though i said “hello..again” on my last post, but anyway it wasn’t really “hello”, been a while i don’t post any here..
and now, seeing my last post date even makes me more frustrated, how come for a person who express feeling better in words and writing have no time to write..

Busy for having 8 classes, 9 to attend actually, new challenge trying all the foods in Gongguan, but anyway, again, i haven’t done any review for weeks, having classic trouble with my stomach and now it reaches into point of full-for-4spoons, and nausea afterward, having some trips outside Taipe for i think i’m done with Taipe and around.

Mm..sounds nothing new interesting, but trust me..i have interesting days, some are in laughter, some boring,some in anger like now on
I am angry, just give me sometimes to calm down, and find myself back

Hello….again

Well..it’s been almost 2 months i haven’t written any words here..yeah, i went back to my country and lost my sense to write any.

If i might say, my summer vacation maybe not vacation that i want, but i’m happy i did it, My parent are not such in a good healthy condition, i can travel anytime i want here in Taiwan, thus while i’m home, i chose to spend almost all the 2months absolutely in home, accompanied my parent, totally full time for them. Sounds weird that in 2 months home i didn’t meet any friend, nor trip to any place, instead i spent all the times home talking with my parents, watching all the TV series either in my laptop or TV, eating all good food (mom cooked it and sometimes we went out for hunting food). Leaving the country for almost 1 year making me freaking miss the foods and turned me to machines who couldn’t stop chewing and finally gained my weight for 4kg..well..that’s the price, what should i say then

Now..i’m back to Taiwan, started the new semester with 7 courses and 1 course as a Teaching Assistant, well 8 courses to attend is just okay i think
Another semester’s started..new challenges’ in front..and new friends for sure.

Talking something new i have some new eager, like learning Chinese, even i know i’m so annoying for i keep asking question and asking friends (most of the time is Leo) to translate things to Chinese but..hehe..i like it. We, me and Leo also have new challenge to try all the restaurants in Gongguan, we don’t know for how long we’ll finish them all..seems it will not be soon in the near time even we eat every single day there..too many restaurants..but anyway we do like it, and we’d love to share the experience with you in another blog of ours called Taiwan Kitchen

That’s all..and yes..i’m here..i’m back!

Frustasi di Negara Yang Saya Cintai

Pertanyaan “Seberapa cinta kah kamu pada tanah air mu?” mungkin hal yang berulang ulang jadi saya tanyakan pada diri saya sendiri sekarang.

Setahun hidup di Taiwan untuk study, membuat saya sedikit banyak shock ketika saya pulang dan berencana menghabiskan masa summer break saya di kampung halaman, lepas dari kecintaan dan keinginan saya untuk menghabiskan waktu bersama keluarga, tapi..benar – benar saya harus bilang, hidup di negara saya sendiri sekarang membuat saya frustasi pada banyak hal.

Dimulai ketika saya menginjakkan kaki kembali ke tanah air, dan mengantri di loket imigrasi, saya cuma membatin “how come it takes so long for this fu*king checking, and why do they look not so kind to people” hal yang sangat berbeda ketika saya keluar dari Taiwan, dimana saya hanya memerlukan 1 menit 55 detik untuk bagasi, dan 2 menit 36 detik untuk proses di imigrasi dimulai sejak saya mengantri (saya sengaja menghitung waktu nya) jadi total saya hanya memerlukan kurang dari 5 menit untuk semua proses ‘birokrasi’ dan dengan bonus petugasnya yang ramah dan penuh senyum membuat semua terasa mudah. Jadi bisa dibayangkan betapa dongkol saya masuk ke negara saya sendiri (saking dongkol dan campuran excited bertemu keluarga saya lupa untuk menghitung waktu, tapi percayalah, lamaaa..)belum lagi ketika saya harus mengantri bagasi sekitar 1 jam dan menyadari seseorang mengambil bagasi saya dan saya harus spend some times untuk berdebat bahwa itu adalah bagasi saya dengan percakapan kurang lebih seperti ini

Saya (S): Bapak, maaf, bapak mengambil bagasi saya..ini punya saya (muka sudah masam kesaaal)
Bapak2 (B): Lho..ini punya saya, saya ada nomornya
S: Oke..kalau itu punya bapak, buka sekarang kunci kombinasinya, kalo bisa saya kasih itu barang..beres (muka judes)
B: waaah…(saya potong dengan maju dan membuka kunci kombinasi koper saya, dan voilaa terbuka..of course it’s mine!!)
S: see?? Ini punya saya..saya bawa, jangan suka ambil barang orang dong (dengan mengacungkan gembok di depan mukanya..i did mean it, i have no hospitality to jerk..sorry)

Saya dongkol, dan pikiran pertama saya adalah “sungguh berbeda dengan Taiwan” saya serius, hal ini sungguh berbeda, di Taiwan saya hampir bisa pastikan bahwa hal seperti ini tidak akan pernah terjadi, saya selalu merasa nyaman dan aman bepergian tanpa harus was was adanya copet ataupun pencuri, bahkan sekali waktu ketika teman saya ketinggalan barang di taxi, supir taxi nya menelfon dan mengirimkan barang tersebut kembali.

Lepas dari insiden koper, kemudian saya memasuki area bea cukai ketika semua koper musti diperiksa MANUAL, dan saya dengan tampang masam, karena petugasnya juga masam2 dan ga ramah, menunggu giliran saya, sampai ketika giliran saya Bapak petugas nya bertanya apa saya pelajar, dan ‘melepaskan’ begitu saja ketika saya bilang pelajar (thank God, I could save my time there) tapi di waktu bersamaan saya miris juga ketika beberapa mbak mbak yang adalah para pekerja (TKW) harus menjalani proses lebih rumit dengan tas dibuka dan dikeluarkan barang -barang nya satu persatu. Saya emosi tapi sudah terlalu capek dan emosi jiwa raga untuk protes, jadi saya berlalu, egois menikmati ‘privilege’ saya sebagai pelajar.

Jadi total saya membutuhkan sekitar 1.5 jam untuk keluar dari bandara Juanda, di negara saya tercinta..now tell me, how you think, then! Less than 5 minutes compare to more than 90 minutes..bahhh..This country do give bad first impression to people!

Tapi rupa nya keterkejutan saya tidak cukup berhenti di bandara, tapi dalam perjalanan pulang di mobil, yang saya terpaksa sedikit dongkol menerima keadaan, tapi harus cukup bersyukur dijemput jauh jauh dari Blitar (which takes like 4 hours driving) karena 2 orang yang menyupir mobil merokok dan AC mobil harus dimatikan, dan saya musti menghirup asap rokok bonus polusi knalpot jalanan yang ampun ampun. Katakanlah saya manja dan sok, but come on..1 year I live with no pollution of people smoking, dan polusi jalanan yang jelas jauuuuuh tidak ada apa apa nya dibanding disini, so what do you expect? Saya kesal, saya prihatin melihat polusi jalanan dan etika orang berkendaraan disini! I can’t explain much, but simply I can say how the traffic in Taiwan is totally different and absolutely better than here.

That’s my first day experience! Tentu saya mengalami banyak hal menakjubkan selepas saya berada di rumah, menikmati berbagai makanan lezat yang tidak akan bisa saya temukan di Taiwan, menikmati betapa uang masih sangat berharga disini, harga harga yang jauuh lebih terjangkau, dan yang jelas cuaca yang sangat bersahabat berbeda dengan panas neraka nya Taipe saat ini.

Tentu saya masih mencintai Negara ini, tanah dan tumpah darah saya, tempat dimana orang orang yang saya cintai berada, tapi merasakan hidup di negara maju selama 1 tahun ini membuat saya banyak berhayal, seandainya negara ini mampu menjadi sebersih Taiwan, dan fasilitas umum yang sebagus disana, etika masyarakat yang sebagus disana, dan kecanggihan teknologi sebagus disana, Negara ini jelas akan menjadi surga bagi saya.

Dan wajar ketika kemudian timbul perkataan “Jangan cuma membayangkan..lakukan sesuatu untuk membangun bangsa ini” dan saya juga jadi putus asa memikirkan nya, kalau sekarang saya sudah uring uringan dengan akses internet yang super supeeeeeerrrr lambat (1/10 dari apa yang saya dapat di Taiwan), saya sering freak out kalau hidup sebulan di negara ini dengan koneksi seperti ini saya bisa jadi gila sendiri,dan saya sering frustasi dengan segala pelayanan publik, dan banyak hal disini..Jadi, kalau saya jadi gila bagaimana saya bisa hidup dan membangun negara ini?

Kenyataannya, cukup dengan setahun hidup di luar negeri membuat saya meragukan kapasitas saya untuk bisa hidup di negeri saya sendiri. Ironis, saya miris untuk mengakui nya, tapi inilah kenyataannya!

also published @ http://lifestyle.kompasiana.com/catatan/2011/07/28/frustasi-di-negara-yang-saya-cintai/

Travelling; My dream, my desire :)

Ask me what my hobbies are, Books and travelling are always there!
And now I’m going to talk about travelling, my dream, and my biggest desire. I love travelling for many many reasons, some are just classic reasons like many other travelers have, and some are just my own crazy reasons .

For me travelling is life itself, in travelling I feel like finding what life is, I meet various people, and how they behave and think, I find a lot of new things, that sometimes I didn’t expect they exist, and all those experiences make me learn to keep my mind open, and teach me to tolerate more to people.

There are many times when I feel saturated, tired with all the things happen to me, and the things I run for is travelling, getting out of the ‘world’ for a while, enjoy God creatures, and at the same times I find God there, through all the creatures, and all its interactions.

I have hundreds places in list that I want to visit. And now, there’s a contest with travelling to 4 big cities in Asia as the main prize, and of course I give a try on it, we will never know when the luck comes to us, and I’m kinda person who always believe in the power of dream. So..please help me to make my dream, my desire in travelling come true by voting my page here

TINA NUGRAHENI – IT Traveller 2011

If you can’t access that link, just copy this link to your browser
http://www.ittravelersgo.com/index.php?option=com_contestgallery&view=detail&id=5776&Itemid=2&lang=id

and every click you put is sooo appreciated
Always with love

Tina

I don’t know, what the title can be

This post is written during the flight on my way home, Indonesia. The mini television in front of me shows that it is 1 hour and 21 minutes left for me to step my feet on the land i belong to, while the music from my headset is playing Take That’s song: Back for good, the song that i intentionally chose because it is in easy mood song choices..i need an easy mood, for my mood is not easy, and somehow the tears come out and i just hardly stop tearing for reason that i don’t quite understand, or I don’t wanna to confess, maybe…
The thing i understand, times flies so..so fast, a goodbye for the new hello, i’m sure
I know I can’t stop the destiny in bringing me to the new steps, something left untold there, somewhere in past, and somethings just covered in mystery, in somewhere in the future -damn hell, i can’t stop tearing-

-me, uneasy, in somewhere up above my motherland-

Yes, She is amazing

She is amazing
She is wonderful
She is beautiful, inside and outside
She is love
She is merciful

Yes she is..and i will never be tired to admit and say it again, and again..
She always teaches me that all the worst thing in the world if i live loveless and merciless.., and once in the morning she updated a status in FB (she is FB addicted, like me)

“Doa tulus di pagi hariku moga smua mantan pacar anak2ku diberikan kesehatan,kesuksesan dan lapang hati dalam menjalani hidup ini…smuanya dah tersurat dalam Rencana Allah …Percayalah Rencana Allah kan Indah Pada Saatnya…GBU ALL”
(i do copy and paste from her page) and lemme write that in English:
“My sincerely pray in the morning, may all my children’s Ex -boyfriends/girlfriends- have healthy, success, and big hearted in living this life, the destiny has been written down in God’s way, and His plans are good in His time, GBU all”

I have no idea what made her wrote that..
and what i did was; I put comment on her and said “nggak tak amini ya ma” (“i can’t agree and say amen Ma.”) i meant it as a joke (did I? :p), but look..how great she is, how merciful she wants us to be…
I may not be able as great as her, yet I wanna be..she is my inspiration
and She is my Mama..Endang Tyas Eko Budiarti, the greatest woman ever for me..

Taipe, in the early morning, counting the hours to be home, to be in her arms again

Ended my 10 days of suffer

I did tell you in the previous post how i was suffer for toilet thing..
and I did tell you how the strange experience finally cure me
Olvin called it was exorcism, me? i called it was a healing
I don’t care what it was, i just know how it cured me from 10 days in suffer, how it finally made me smile going out toilet and made my appetite of foods back!

It was Saturday morning when i was so frustrated for 10th day i couldn’t poo, and even more frustrated when i got nausea, really wanted to vomit after eating one banana..how come just 1 banana made me vomit? shouldn’t i eat anything else??? and i was crying so bad and frustrated when Olvin called, and well..of course i made him frustrated to listen to me crying and then he offered to go to doctor and hospital which i refused in the same minute..i was still desperate and frustrated because of it, i lost my believe in doctor, thus finally he offered me to go to a Chinese medical clinic near by the place he lived before, Liuzhangli area. he didn’t know either, what kind of medication it had, but he was just sure it’s not like kind of doctor and hospital i hate.

So, there we were..was no other patience and the doctor asked me my problem and asked me to lay on bed so he could examine. he just slightly touched my foot, knee, hip, hand (kinda checking pulse) and he was just able to say that i had problem in my hip bone, the position was not good (well..i don’t know the medical term, but it seems true, because 2 weeks before i went to see Chiropractic, and the doctor said the same that my hips bone are not symmetric, one is higher that the other so is my shoulder..well..i don’t feel anything weird with my bones, but anyway that’s the problem ) bla..bla..so he said he will fix it first and later to my digestion.
Then he asked Olvin to sit, which olvin took it as mistake not to disturb, but what the doctor meant was to sit and help him to do the medication, then i started my ‘experience’. First he asked olvin to put one his hand under my hips, and the other one under my upper back (i was still in laying position) and one my hand cross touched my own arm, and the other arm just cross over my tummy, the doctor closed his eyes, and his palm touched my feet. and we changed position of our hands manytimes, sometimes olvin put his hands on my head, over my eyes, grabbed my ears, my knees, my leg, and sometimes my hands contacted with my hips, my chest, my neck, my lips, and many other parts followed the doctor instruction.
And believe it or not, i felt some different temperature in the places he touched me, and i felt something was moving inside my stomach. It took around 40 mins and then the doctor like move some kind of stones in front of my stomach and my back.I got like physio-therapy with kind of electric massage on my low back afterwards.
The doctor told me that my colon, my digestion system doesn’t work well, and he suggested me not to eat any foods contain gluten, wheat, soy sauce, flour. So, no bread, no cereal i love, no brownies, no donuts, no waffle, and everything made from flour for at least in two weeks, and after one month i can take it a little not as much as i did before. me? i prefer to follow,i know how suffer i was, and that’s more than enough for me.
All medication just cost me 150NT..super cheap (yeaah compare to hospital i went everyday before), and meters walked out from there i felt my stomach hurt and yea..i did it..my first poo in restaurant around..hehe, and in the same day i did it for 5 times and no more problem after.
Now..I’m back to normal..i poo normal, my stomach gets back smaller, not like as swollen before, i eat normal without that damn nausea feeling at all..and I am happy

So..you can call it acupressure, energy transfer, exorcism, or even magic..You name it! i don’t care..i just know that it healed me, and i took some of my friends with kind of health problem to see him, i don’t know the reaction on them, but i wish it will be as well as i had

and last but not least, i’m so thankful to Olvin for this

The 10 days of suffering

Taipe is raining now, and well..thunder, i hate it!! anyway is a good moment for me to write here..
Well..i bet you know what’s i’ve been through lately :p..
(it’s not that i am famous, but it is because i am FB addict and posted a lot about it, thus seems everybody was forced to know my update from the FB news feed =))

Yea..i got constipated for 10 days, couple days ago..for 10 days!!and everybody came with the suggestion that really, once again, don’t think that i didn’t do all possible ways for that..i took all the suggested foods, drinks, medicines, vitamins..any..any..again anything (i believe i wrote it in the previous post) and i even went to the hospital and got some test and hell yeah, i even got stressed because of that.
Accompanied by Olvin, I started to go the hospital In the fifth day i had my symptom, the hospital was too full, and finally i just got a laxative medicine which tasted like tons of salt, salty and weird..the pharmacist said it was one of the strongest one, so it’s supposed to work on me..and you know what? it did..but (sorry to say) it was no mass..it’s just like liquid, and it even made me like low energy and my stomach was hurt but still..i couldn’t ‘really get what i want”.

So the day after,i went back to the hospital,I told all my histories and what i experienced with the medicine i took above, the doctor was quite surprise to listen and he touched my belly and was laughing at me, joking that seems i was having a baby for my stomach was big and hard. Then he asked me to go to have X ray test and some other things and gave me one of medicine, and oral medicine that i need to insert inside anus, he said that the medicine was supposed to work quickly and instantly to clean my stomach and asked me to come back the day after. it costed me 420NT

But guess what..i took the pill…didn’t work..waiting for morethan 1 hour, i encouraged my self to take the oral one and inserted it inside (i tell you..i hate it..feel disgusting for me), 5 minutes..was no reaction, i was anxious..10 minutes, i felt something..and i did..but..that’s all..just so little like nothing..for my 6 days constipation, i was frustrated, but i went to sleep even in disappointed.

And as doctor said, i went back to the hospital, to get my test result, and how shock i was to get passed in other department..Oncology..tell me, what would you think if you were me..i was trying to remember what oncology is and i was sure it’s about cancer and tumor, and suddenly i remember a friend of mine who said that his friend got a colon cancer with the same symptom as mine, i was kinda pale but anyway i didn’t wanna think a lot and just went in to see the doctor, and said all i was feeling and how the ‘strong medicine’ they gave almost didn’t work on me. the doctor saw my result, the X ray, and suddenly asked about my plan to go back to my country (for me..he was like saying that the medication would need a long term period..MOFO!), and said that it’s weird the medicine didn’t work and he couldn’t say a lot, but will pass me again to another department in internist to listen the internist doctor’s opinion..bla..bla…bla..of course i asked, according to his opinion..what wrong was with me, but still, he said ‘we have to wait’..damn it ( i was saying to myself..i’ve been waiting for 7days for this!)

So, desperately i moved to the third place and waited there like 3 hour, to meet the doctor which only stared at me -computer -back at me, without really explained a thing and said that my intestine and digestion system didn’t really work well and gave me receipt for 1 week and will do further observation to it and asked me to came back there. again..you tell me if you were me…
I asked him what the hell was going on with me..but agaaain, the answer was no more than like ‘no idea just take that fracking medicines’ so I grumbled to myself (no way for me to come back to this hell) and i just left the hospital with 3 bags of medicine which cost me 380NT. It made me feel such mixed: angry for i didn’t know what’s going on, anxious with the way they explained, desperate with my full stomach, my nausea feeling, and kinda disappointed for wasting my 5 hours and my money for unexplained thing, and all those mixed felling made me cry soon, right after i arrived in dorm, and the worst i left my key inside and got to wait my room mates came back for more than 1 hour..such complete desperation.

I chatted with some of my close friends, and got different responses..and i was frustrated and didn’t wanna argue when i was afraid and suffer with what i was feeling, and just put all my chat application in offline mode, and just chatted with leo sometimes, he suggested me to watch Leonard, the Big bang theory, to relax me, he said it’s better than i felt worse for some friends who kept telling it’s like nothing when i was feeling was horrible, and in the end put me depression.

The next day, Leo called me from Argentina and asked me to go to hospital, while i was still sleeping. Forcing myself i went to another hospital, but anyway, in the middle of my way got there, i went back dorm..haha..look..the doctor said that all the thing i could do was not to get myself stress, and the most made me stress were doctors, and hospital!, so i decided to go back, and instead, i went to wufenpu, bought some pieces of clothes. That’s the way i relax. It was the 8th day, and I was getting worse, i feel nausea every time i eat something, like what i experienced for dinner; I took green bean soup i bought in 711, an tea egg, and a bottle of yogurt as my dinner, and guess what, i vomited right after i took it, seems my stomach couldn’t get anymore into while nothing came out. Of course i was frustrated and afraid, but as everybody asked the same “are you stress??” (of course i denied it) and almost everybody suggested me not to get stressed, i took it as easy as i could and kept trying all the thing i could. A friend of mine, lenyo gave me another oral medicine, kinda ball medicine 20cc, that i had to inject inside the anus. I finished 2 balls, because 1 didn’t react, and i was so happy for finally i made it, until i felt that the contraction didn’t stop, i felt my stomach hurt but nothing came out, i felt the suffer until morning and cried in silent almost all night long and just felt a sleep in the morning. the 9th day, i felt horrible and almost ate nothing.

the 10th day, i almost couldn’t bear it, i ate banana as my breakfast, but the nausea was horrible, and in the same time olvin called me, and i couldn’t help myself not to cry out loud, for i was so afraid, my belly was big and hard, i felt hard to breath and couldn’t eat, wanted to vomit..all those horrible thing, and after some conversation he took me to go to a Chinese medicine doctor (Sinshe) and you know, IT HEALED ME..hehe..was kinda weird strange yet amazing experience for me, even for Olvin..i will tell you later in another post.

I am just so glad, finally i get back to normal, i eat normal, and go to toilet normally..so, you..just be grateful if you can poo..it’s maybe simple, but it’s such a bless..

Please make me…. :(

I am suffering for a (sounds) stupid problem..constipation
and it’s been 4 days i’m suffering for that
I’ve followed every suggestion:
I drank yogurt, like 2 liters
I ate a lot of fruits, today i brought 3 plastics of bananas, papaya, kiwi..i even ate dried prune, which is famous as laxative
I drank water, until i couldn’t resist and felt like my stomach’s going to explode
I drank Vegeta, a fiber drink supplement, for some cups
a friend of mine suggested me to drink Lucha, i did
my room mate gave me Liquid Chlorophyll, i took

But..look, seems none of them really works
my belly is swollen like in 3 month pregnancy
i cannot eat, because every time i eat, i got full easily, and feel so uncomfortable
Everybody says i am stressed, Am i? (of course i deny)
And seems i have no other choice, i will go to hospital tomorrow

Dear God, a simple wish, please make me poo
-desperate-

Do I?

Got an email from a best friend of mine yesterday..and somehow the email made me think and speechless..

“Sometimes, it is not the persons from the past who chain us to step, but it is our perfection about what we had in past does..”

It is easier to have persons to blame
It is easier to have something real as alibi

and i put myself into..do I?

-anyway..it’s been 2 days, i eat lunch like animal, got hungry easily and hardly got full :p, but anyway..it’s been 2 days, also, i got constipation..fiiiuufhhh-

Sincerely yours…

once i stepped thousands miles away, but didn’t my heart..
now..
i stay, not even a step away i take, but my heart makes a move, step by step into thousands…

and again i heard something’s whispering

“I won, i protect you from breaking into pieces..
Sincerely yours,
my pride”

-the book drives me crazy-

Cause you’re hot and you’re cold

Well..even the title sounds like Katy perry’s song, i’m not gonna talk about the song at all, but this is my silly experience about language..hehe..kinda something so common, it’s not something new for me to have language problem here

Well..i am super super sleepy right now,last night, i got back from hospital almost 1 in the morning, and in 4 hours later, at 5, I came back running to hospital for Olvin’s surgery was at 7 (he’s in surgery room right now)..and to help myself awake, i ordered coffee in Hospital’s 711, well that’s the easiest and nearest i could get..and here’s the problem, when the lady asked me with such body language communication “hot or cold?” and me..as usual, I smiled and answered, “hot please”..then she nodded, and showed me some cubic of ice, and made me starred at her with weird expression and answered “puyao ping..re..hotttt” (well..i tried to mention in their language as best as i could) then the lady nodded again..”ohhh hot!..hao..hao” clear..i thought it was clear and i waited for my coffee. But guess how surprise i was when she gave me a cup of COLD, COFFEE ICE, Vanila Coffee latte with ice, and me?? i was desperate to look at her, but then i just took it and left in deperate smile..i was to sleepy to fight for my hot coffee..
now..i am with the cold coffee in my hand, sitting frustrated waiting in front of surgery room

ohh..yeahh..you’re hot then you’re cold!!!

I know..it’s kinda my fault for still unable to speak Chinese even almost 1 year live here..but..but..but..even i try my best to pronounce, seems that they will never understand what i am saying, the same stupid problem that Leo always has, even he speaks Chinese perfectly for me, but i always laugh when his chinese is somehow unable to be understood by people here..i always blame him, for i always believe even i know he speaks chinese, but i always imagine that his foreigner pronunciation is somehow weird for the Taiwanese, and of course he then always refuses my judgement and says that “they look at me as foreigner, they block their ears so everything i say is impossible to be understood” haha..
like the other day when we were about to take a bus, and he asked the driver “Taikeda yo ma” but the driver reflect answered “Shida..meyao..bla..bla” and kept talking to explain that the bus was not going to Taikeda but shida, and Leo of course frustated to interupt and answered “ey..eyyy..eyyyyy..Taikeda..meyao Shida” hahahaa..even i cannot speak, i knew what was going on, and I couldn’t help myself laughing in front of them, how come Taikeda sounds like Shida..seems they really block the ears when seeing it’s the foreigner talking

ahhhh..i love living here..such colorful..and my cold coffee is somehow delicious

I know I am blessed, ohh..yes I am :)

Sometimes I know, I am too busy counting other people graces, and I forget how I receive such great blesses as well in life, and that makes me feel unhappy.
Sometimes my ego, makes me need to see how unhappy other people are to realize how lucky I am
Such damn me, eh?
and I may say; that’s human…that’s normal..
that’s the excuse for being selfish and ungrateful..

But now staring my thousands pictures with friends, staring my chat boxes, the email history, my blog and story..i am grateful for many..many..many things
And I remember about my conversation with Leo couple days ago when we had lunch in Alleycats
“I know I maybe unlucky in romantic love story, I may even have traumatic experiences, but things that I am always grateful about is; I know I am blessed to always be surrounded by great friends, to always have amazing friendship everywhere i live, and i know i always feel tender, and happy to know that i have root love..because I grow in a happy and lovely family, and that makes me happier than many other persons who live only in perfect romantic love”

And he rolled out his eyes, but in the same time, i knew that he knew i was right
I maybe alone sometimes, but I know i don’t feel lonely
I am inspired by my family’s love for my whole life
I am energized by my great friendships that i always have in anywhere i go, and anytime i need
and those things create me as i am now
I know i am precious because i am loved and i love
and as i am precious, i know the creator of this great universe has written such great journey for my life, and what i need to do is moving to it, instead of just waiting..
and I am fueled with those love to keep moving!

Have a great life all
-effect of too much chatting with friends :p-

Mmmm……

My fist alone dinner..with 711′s tofu and Pringles that Leo left for me..
ask me how it tastes..tasteless and salty, for i eat it with teary eyed!
Say me baby stupid..i would say..i don’t care, you don’t know how i feel..i told you..i have thousands untold and unexplained reasons for it, and some friends then asked me;
“why should i?”
“why that much?”
“are we together?”"
Really those kinda question is the most i hear doubting my friendship, either with Leo or Olvin..
me? i am just too used to not give a shit to those questions, and sometimes joking for being so bored to answer, i would just love to answer “i’m lesbian, and he is gay, how can we be together?” haha..that means i’m just too tired to answer..our friendship is just too great to be taken for mistake.
Anyway, I love them both in the same portion but different way, each of them is special with his own way in my heart, no one can replace to each other, so don’t try to ask comparison..

ahh..today was just too emotional for me..and took my energy away!
crying for leo’s leaving..had beautiful afternoon coffee with Olvin and friends, chatted with leo during his waiting to board..
and now, seeing on my table i have their pictures staring at me…hehe…
really..i’m tired and dizzy..

I hate to say ‘good bye’ or ‘see you’

“Honey..there will a lot of friends come and leave, you will have to say good bye for many times, you’ll get accustomed by it sooner or later”

Two of my friends, Leo and Clem told me that today..
but really, i cannot help myself not to feel sad to say ‘good bye’, or even just ‘see you’ to friends..and i realize, this is what i hate from vacation time..because some of my friends leave

Some leave for good, some leave for vacation and i hate to say goodbye
like today, i got 2 goodbye calls, and i got sobbing
like today, i got sobbing to say ‘see you’ to agy, for i have doubt whether she’ll be back again..
Like today, i cried for having last dinner with Leo..i know i will meet him again soon the vacation’s over..but..
look..we’re together almost every single day..most of the time
took the same classes, eat the same shit, went out to the same places..and i did spend time with him more than with anybody else..
so tell me how to not cry
i am sad to think with whom i will have lunch and dinner for this one month left i stay here during the vacation time
who would pay my bills
who would take pictures of me
with whom can i fight for some stupid things without any stupid consequences
with whom can i have stupid bets
with whom can i chat with when i can’t sleep and ask to go out, either just for relaxing or cinema
and even more he is the friend i can trust for the most, who trust me most, who know me and how to handle me more than any one else

see? i have thousands reasons and excuses to cry..so let me cry
and i cannot contact olvin to cry..

ohh..okay..before i ruin my t-shirt with tears, and my eyes getting swollen like frog’s..better i go to sleep

I only see what my eyes want to see (?)

I am selfish, and kinda difficult to handle and too complicated to be understood..stop right here..i do confess

and go further, i got fight with my damn best friend..for me and his theories, the theories that make me awake and couldn’t sleep to be bothered about..
He and his psycho theories, drag me anxious and lead me to the cinema to relax for any movie, and finally accompanied by Leo, i went with Hangover 2
He and his imagination make me awake and can’t be relax even after the stupid and funny movie
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i have my stupid rules that he then judges me how those simple unconscionable things reflect how selfish and insecure i am, like:
i can touch but i don’t like to be touched
i love to be kissed, but i don’t want to give kiss
and his theory, i am such insecure in giving my heart
ohh..i wanna kick him..

i love to listen my friends’ sharing of pain and trouble but shut my mouth up if it is about my trouble..
i tell you what happen but impossible to describe my feeling
and his theory is, i cannot trust my heart and feeling to anyone
hell yeah..i do really want to kick him

and the things go worse
i give up in the first mistake people do to me
and his theory is, people may hurt me by mistake, but i am just traumatic with myself to give second chance of trust to others…and it’s not fucking fair for anyone, and i loose my generosity to forgive and forget mistakes
goshh..he is fucking psycho analyst wanna be

I got enjoy my independence and smartness addiction in proving something absurd
I got no room to give a chance for anyone to take care of me in such what i need
I loose the way of how i take care others in sincere love and friendship, because i am afraid of rejection which hurt me..
ohh hell..
I do believe in blog, writing, more than people, because those cannot hurt me
Really..he wants to die

above anything at all
problem in trust, problem in letting the experiences go away, problem to be so afraid to be hurt, problem to be honest to myself, problem to be too strong and independence just because don’t want to depend on anyone and got betrayed
ohh..in the end..i wanna kill him
he ended the conversation perfectly when i was still thinking and got headache..he even closed it with his favorite quotation “you only see what your eyes want to see” and dramatically ended it up with Madonna’s song Frozen

yea..he’s bastard
but he’s always my best one ever
watches me over even when i cannot see myself
slaps me in such hard and unacceptable ways
drags my confidence level down and down and make me doubt about my own capability to handle myself..
he..makes me took a pill and i am waiting for the reaction..
i need to sleep..

iMBA courses..ohh iMBA courses…

I’m bored..
one more exam to go..study the number that i don’t get the logic
open super small font resume..
ohh..yes..i shouldn’t complain, got to remember this is ‘easy’ compare to other departments’ courses..hehe..

And talk about that easy, i do remember a conversation with Prof. Ye, the CEO of iMBA program when we had a meeting and discussion regarding the program, she talked about the reality how the non iMBA students don’t perform well in classes and tend to be passive thus make her consider to open some important classes for iMBA students only in order to keep class’ process and learning quality

But then me and Leo ironically laughed and told her that some students somehow thinks that MBA is easy and come to refresh only, and how surprise she was to listen and wonder ‘how come they think so’

The same question to me “how come they think so, because if it’s really easy, they should’ve performed better in classes..but??” hehe..reality sometimes is bitter, (so let’s see the fact before we argue anyway)

and i was about to show my last post MBA’s courses..you take it for fun? hah..you’re funny then about the ‘easy MBA’ to her, but then i didn’t for i thought, if she read, she would really close the iMBA’s courses for the iMBA students only =))

ohh okay..get back study!

Yay..we won! :)

Dear All,
After calaculating the marks and points based on your logic, rationale, creativity, and percieved efforts, i would like to announce the Best Performance team of final presentation is Yahoo ASAP.
The team members will be awarded a prize from me.
Good work everyone and happy summer!
Vincent

Yay..such a nice announcement and worth payment..
Thank you for Leo, Lenyo, Agy Corrine for the smart work for the project
And Olvin Castillo for the best partner ever in presentation, you’re the master of presentation, baby..presenting with you buzz up my confidence
And overall, nice to work with you all guys, through all laughter and fighting..ohh..i love fighting with you
so..okay..one more exam to go!

For all those times….

For all the times i grieved in past
for all the times i kept searching proof from past
for all the times i was chained in past
and you stayed waiting in present

For all the times i cure the pain that i could never share
for all the times i’m in the stage of finding myself without any trying to find you’re there
for all the time i always be me..not us..not you
and you stay offering the future

for all the times that i finally can’t move even a step to you
for all the great that you do..
for all the bad feeling i feel for myself
for all the curse that i tell to myself..

for all those..
what can i do?
nothing..
i even feel sorry to myself
i am sorry to you..
but trust me..even more to myself..

I know, finally sorry means nothing
and thank you is just never enough
if you still let me wish..what i wish is for you..
your happiness..even i am not the part of it..