Do I?

Got an email from a best friend of mine yesterday..and somehow the email made me think and speechless..

“Sometimes, it is not the persons from the past who chain us to step, but it is our perfection about what we had in past does..”

It is easier to have persons to blame
It is easier to have something real as alibi

and i put myself into..do I?

-anyway..it’s been 2 days, i eat lunch like animal, got hungry easily and hardly got full :p, but anyway..it’s been 2 days, also, i got constipation..fiiiuufhhh-

Sincerely yours…

once i stepped thousands miles away, but didn’t my heart..
now..
i stay, not even a step away i take, but my heart makes a move, step by step into thousands…

and again i heard something’s whispering

“I won, i protect you from breaking into pieces..
Sincerely yours,
my pride”

-the book drives me crazy-

Cause you’re hot and you’re cold

Well..even the title sounds like Katy perry’s song, i’m not gonna talk about the song at all, but this is my silly experience about language..hehe..kinda something so common, it’s not something new for me to have language problem here

Well..i am super super sleepy right now,last night, i got back from hospital almost 1 in the morning, and in 4 hours later, at 5, I came back running to hospital for Olvin’s surgery was at 7 (he’s in surgery room right now)..and to help myself awake, i ordered coffee in Hospital’s 711, well that’s the easiest and nearest i could get..and here’s the problem, when the lady asked me with such body language communication “hot or cold?” and me..as usual, I smiled and answered, “hot please”..then she nodded, and showed me some cubic of ice, and made me starred at her with weird expression and answered “puyao ping..re..hotttt” (well..i tried to mention in their language as best as i could) then the lady nodded again..”ohhh hot!..hao..hao” clear..i thought it was clear and i waited for my coffee. But guess how surprise i was when she gave me a cup of COLD, COFFEE ICE, Vanila Coffee latte with ice, and me?? i was desperate to look at her, but then i just took it and left in deperate smile..i was to sleepy to fight for my hot coffee..
now..i am with the cold coffee in my hand, sitting frustrated waiting in front of surgery room

ohh..yeahh..you’re hot then you’re cold!!!

I know..it’s kinda my fault for still unable to speak Chinese even almost 1 year live here..but..but..but..even i try my best to pronounce, seems that they will never understand what i am saying, the same stupid problem that Leo always has, even he speaks Chinese perfectly for me, but i always laugh when his chinese is somehow unable to be understood by people here..i always blame him, for i always believe even i know he speaks chinese, but i always imagine that his foreigner pronunciation is somehow weird for the Taiwanese, and of course he then always refuses my judgement and says that “they look at me as foreigner, they block their ears so everything i say is impossible to be understood” haha..
like the other day when we were about to take a bus, and he asked the driver “Taikeda yo ma” but the driver reflect answered “Shida..meyao..bla..bla” and kept talking to explain that the bus was not going to Taikeda but shida, and Leo of course frustated to interupt and answered “ey..eyyy..eyyyyy..Taikeda..meyao Shida” hahahaa..even i cannot speak, i knew what was going on, and I couldn’t help myself laughing in front of them, how come Taikeda sounds like Shida..seems they really block the ears when seeing it’s the foreigner talking

ahhhh..i love living here..such colorful..and my cold coffee is somehow delicious

I know I am blessed, ohh..yes I am :)

Sometimes I know, I am too busy counting other people graces, and I forget how I receive such great blesses as well in life, and that makes me feel unhappy.
Sometimes my ego, makes me need to see how unhappy other people are to realize how lucky I am
Such damn me, eh?
and I may say; that’s human…that’s normal..
that’s the excuse for being selfish and ungrateful..

But now staring my thousands pictures with friends, staring my chat boxes, the email history, my blog and story..i am grateful for many..many..many things
And I remember about my conversation with Leo couple days ago when we had lunch in Alleycats
“I know I maybe unlucky in romantic love story, I may even have traumatic experiences, but things that I am always grateful about is; I know I am blessed to always be surrounded by great friends, to always have amazing friendship everywhere i live, and i know i always feel tender, and happy to know that i have root love..because I grow in a happy and lovely family, and that makes me happier than many other persons who live only in perfect romantic love”

And he rolled out his eyes, but in the same time, i knew that he knew i was right
I maybe alone sometimes, but I know i don’t feel lonely
I am inspired by my family’s love for my whole life
I am energized by my great friendships that i always have in anywhere i go, and anytime i need
and those things create me as i am now
I know i am precious because i am loved and i love
and as i am precious, i know the creator of this great universe has written such great journey for my life, and what i need to do is moving to it, instead of just waiting..
and I am fueled with those love to keep moving!

Have a great life all
-effect of too much chatting with friends :p-

Mmmm……

My fist alone dinner..with 711′s tofu and Pringles that Leo left for me..
ask me how it tastes..tasteless and salty, for i eat it with teary eyed!
Say me baby stupid..i would say..i don’t care, you don’t know how i feel..i told you..i have thousands untold and unexplained reasons for it, and some friends then asked me;
“why should i?”
“why that much?”
“are we together?”"
Really those kinda question is the most i hear doubting my friendship, either with Leo or Olvin..
me? i am just too used to not give a shit to those questions, and sometimes joking for being so bored to answer, i would just love to answer “i’m lesbian, and he is gay, how can we be together?” haha..that means i’m just too tired to answer..our friendship is just too great to be taken for mistake.
Anyway, I love them both in the same portion but different way, each of them is special with his own way in my heart, no one can replace to each other, so don’t try to ask comparison..

ahh..today was just too emotional for me..and took my energy away!
crying for leo’s leaving..had beautiful afternoon coffee with Olvin and friends, chatted with leo during his waiting to board..
and now, seeing on my table i have their pictures staring at me…hehe…
really..i’m tired and dizzy..

I hate to say ‘good bye’ or ‘see you’

“Honey..there will a lot of friends come and leave, you will have to say good bye for many times, you’ll get accustomed by it sooner or later”

Two of my friends, Leo and Clem told me that today..
but really, i cannot help myself not to feel sad to say ‘good bye’, or even just ‘see you’ to friends..and i realize, this is what i hate from vacation time..because some of my friends leave

Some leave for good, some leave for vacation and i hate to say goodbye
like today, i got 2 goodbye calls, and i got sobbing
like today, i got sobbing to say ‘see you’ to agy, for i have doubt whether she’ll be back again..
Like today, i cried for having last dinner with Leo..i know i will meet him again soon the vacation’s over..but..
look..we’re together almost every single day..most of the time
took the same classes, eat the same shit, went out to the same places..and i did spend time with him more than with anybody else..
so tell me how to not cry
i am sad to think with whom i will have lunch and dinner for this one month left i stay here during the vacation time
who would pay my bills
who would take pictures of me
with whom can i fight for some stupid things without any stupid consequences
with whom can i have stupid bets
with whom can i chat with when i can’t sleep and ask to go out, either just for relaxing or cinema
and even more he is the friend i can trust for the most, who trust me most, who know me and how to handle me more than any one else

see? i have thousands reasons and excuses to cry..so let me cry
and i cannot contact olvin to cry..

ohh..okay..before i ruin my t-shirt with tears, and my eyes getting swollen like frog’s..better i go to sleep

I only see what my eyes want to see (?)

I am selfish, and kinda difficult to handle and too complicated to be understood..stop right here..i do confess

and go further, i got fight with my damn best friend..for me and his theories, the theories that make me awake and couldn’t sleep to be bothered about..
He and his psycho theories, drag me anxious and lead me to the cinema to relax for any movie, and finally accompanied by Leo, i went with Hangover 2
He and his imagination make me awake and can’t be relax even after the stupid and funny movie
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i have my stupid rules that he then judges me how those simple unconscionable things reflect how selfish and insecure i am, like:
i can touch but i don’t like to be touched
i love to be kissed, but i don’t want to give kiss
and his theory, i am such insecure in giving my heart
ohh..i wanna kick him..

i love to listen my friends’ sharing of pain and trouble but shut my mouth up if it is about my trouble..
i tell you what happen but impossible to describe my feeling
and his theory is, i cannot trust my heart and feeling to anyone
hell yeah..i do really want to kick him

and the things go worse
i give up in the first mistake people do to me
and his theory is, people may hurt me by mistake, but i am just traumatic with myself to give second chance of trust to others…and it’s not fucking fair for anyone, and i loose my generosity to forgive and forget mistakes
goshh..he is fucking psycho analyst wanna be

I got enjoy my independence and smartness addiction in proving something absurd
I got no room to give a chance for anyone to take care of me in such what i need
I loose the way of how i take care others in sincere love and friendship, because i am afraid of rejection which hurt me..
ohh hell..
I do believe in blog, writing, more than people, because those cannot hurt me
Really..he wants to die

above anything at all
problem in trust, problem in letting the experiences go away, problem to be so afraid to be hurt, problem to be honest to myself, problem to be too strong and independence just because don’t want to depend on anyone and got betrayed
ohh..in the end..i wanna kill him
he ended the conversation perfectly when i was still thinking and got headache..he even closed it with his favorite quotation “you only see what your eyes want to see” and dramatically ended it up with Madonna’s song Frozen

yea..he’s bastard
but he’s always my best one ever
watches me over even when i cannot see myself
slaps me in such hard and unacceptable ways
drags my confidence level down and down and make me doubt about my own capability to handle myself..
he..makes me took a pill and i am waiting for the reaction..
i need to sleep..

iMBA courses..ohh iMBA courses…

I’m bored..
one more exam to go..study the number that i don’t get the logic
open super small font resume..
ohh..yes..i shouldn’t complain, got to remember this is ‘easy’ compare to other departments’ courses..hehe..

And talk about that easy, i do remember a conversation with Prof. Ye, the CEO of iMBA program when we had a meeting and discussion regarding the program, she talked about the reality how the non iMBA students don’t perform well in classes and tend to be passive thus make her consider to open some important classes for iMBA students only in order to keep class’ process and learning quality

But then me and Leo ironically laughed and told her that some students somehow thinks that MBA is easy and come to refresh only, and how surprise she was to listen and wonder ‘how come they think so’

The same question to me “how come they think so, because if it’s really easy, they should’ve performed better in classes..but??” hehe..reality sometimes is bitter, (so let’s see the fact before we argue anyway)

and i was about to show my last post MBA’s courses..you take it for fun? hah..you’re funny then about the ‘easy MBA’ to her, but then i didn’t for i thought, if she read, she would really close the iMBA’s courses for the iMBA students only =))

ohh okay..get back study!

Yay..we won! :)

Dear All,
After calaculating the marks and points based on your logic, rationale, creativity, and percieved efforts, i would like to announce the Best Performance team of final presentation is Yahoo ASAP.
The team members will be awarded a prize from me.
Good work everyone and happy summer!
Vincent

Yay..such a nice announcement and worth payment..
Thank you for Leo, Lenyo, Agy Corrine for the smart work for the project
And Olvin Castillo for the best partner ever in presentation, you’re the master of presentation, baby..presenting with you buzz up my confidence
And overall, nice to work with you all guys, through all laughter and fighting..ohh..i love fighting with you
so..okay..one more exam to go!

For all those times….

For all the times i grieved in past
for all the times i kept searching proof from past
for all the times i was chained in past
and you stayed waiting in present

For all the times i cure the pain that i could never share
for all the times i’m in the stage of finding myself without any trying to find you’re there
for all the time i always be me..not us..not you
and you stay offering the future

for all the times that i finally can’t move even a step to you
for all the great that you do..
for all the bad feeling i feel for myself
for all the curse that i tell to myself..

for all those..
what can i do?
nothing..
i even feel sorry to myself
i am sorry to you..
but trust me..even more to myself..

I know, finally sorry means nothing
and thank you is just never enough
if you still let me wish..what i wish is for you..
your happiness..even i am not the part of it..

MBA’s courses..you take it for fun? hah..you’re funny then

“Why do you take MBA course?isn’t it totally different from your major?”

That’s the common question that i always ask to some of my friends from other department when they consider to take MBA’s courses
To be honest I always expect this kind of answer: “it leverages my knowledge” “i want to have a view about management things” or at least that kind of ‘intellectual’ answer not answer like “MBA? i want to have refreshing during semester” or “i want point only, i heard that in MBA is easier to get grade compare to any other department”
my reaction was “okay..if you think so..i was engineer, i’m happy to be in MBA, you may want the life what i have now” but… well..lemme floor up my ideas now

I am absolutely agree that MBA is fun
that MBA is ‘easy’
that MBA is opening your mind up rather than just that complicated number that make your brain saturated

But, honey, my dear friends, you forget something
that ‘easy’ is not stupid
that easy is not something that you can just take it for granted thus you put no weight on it
that easy is not to be dumb and deaf during the classes..
if you think it’s easy, please put your contribution to the class
talk, give your opinion during the discussion, show your effort in presentation, as that what MBA is

wanna listen my opinion more?
that easy needs social intelligent to talk
that easy needs smart to catch
because in this methods of class when you don’t show anything you mean nothing
even worse when you just give like “ahmm..uhmm..ahmm….uhmm..” and innocent smile when professors ask, they don’t need your smile, they need your answers, baby..
you make people have question mark “is she/ he from MBA? where is she/ he from?”
okay..do you know why you act like that, because you take this for granted, because you’re in class and your mind is somewhere else working for the tasks from your department
okay..put like this
have you ever consider your own value when you do that?
you even put your community reputation down

do the things for the fullest
don’t make yourself look stupid if you are smart

so my suggestion, welcome to MBA, it is really the place where you can enjoy your life
but please do it seriously, for your good sake, for your community reputation sake
don’t make people misinterpret you, value you less than who you are
You can do it!!!

the way she teaches me..

Me: why shouldn’t i hate after all horrible things he did it to me, why shouldn’t i have right to curse?
She: because he doesn’t deserve to get any..any..any thing from you (not even shit-this is my word :p-), all he deserves just ignorant, you forget, forget all..make it meaningless, when you still keep the anger, when you still have the curse, somehow you keep him inside..and he doesn’t deserve..at all..you are just too precious for that
Me: ……..
She: to live is not to hate, to live is to love..when you cannot, at least don’t hate..let it go..
Me:………..

and now..remembering all the way she says, even i know i can’t be always like the way she wants me to be..i miss her so much..my mom..
-btw who does say that living separately from your family, somehow make you used to not miss them? i live separately for 9 years, but i keep missing them, and remembering their love inspires me to be stronger anyway..i know i am loved, so no reason to get down-

and now when the song keeps turning on..and on from my lap top..and i cannot get it out of my head…i do really wish this
“Dear God, the only thing i ask of you, is to hold her when
i am not around, when i’m just to far away” please do bless and hold my mom..

MBA Welcome and Goodbye Party -late post-

Maybe it’s just too late to post this post, for 10 days after..but people say late’s better than nothing, don’t they? hehe

I love to be part of the MBA – NTUST, i love and grateful for i took decision to come here a year ago..Gosh…a year goes by, time seems run in a blink eyes for me..not merely knowledge or skill, but i found friends, love, i found experiences, and even i found myself here

Well..before i’m going to be so sentimental, i will just talk what i was really going to talk when i started to open this page. I’m going to talk about the MBA welcome and goodbye party that we had last May 31st, an annual party that MBA has, to welcome new local students and farewell those who will graduate. It was nice, was warm

We also had some performance like dance, about the dance, after some times i attended any party here, i can take my own ‘conclusion’ that this kind of dance is something that people here ‘must have’  when having a party, take a look the pictures, they are so sweet

another performance was from two friends of us sang a mandarin song, i don’t know the meaning, but i guess it was a love song, i don’t know the meaning, but they did sing it well, and my partner in crime, Leo played for the guitar

And, yeah..me and Leo also performed for two songs, after only 3 times practicing, so it was difficult for him to memorize the indonesian song, and was difficult for me to memorize and pronounce the “I’m Yours- Jason Mraz” haha..so errors are everywhere, but we did try, and we did make it, a friend of mine uploaded in You tube, we are not professional, we just tried to give something

we end the party with performance from all the 99 MBAs with “Season of the Sun” – Boyzone

well..it was nice, and will always cherries that moment, and any other moments as something unforgettable..

again, i love to be part of the MBA NTUST

And for all MBA 98, who graduate today, wish success attend to your way, really nice to know you all

I love myself, then you…

People change..i do!
Take a look back then, there many sides of me have changed,
some say i grow stronger, some say i grow realistic, some also say i seed evil in my mind..haha
Some say i start to loose the way i dream in a lovely naive mind
some say i start to loose the way i love people in unconditionally, stupid but touchy

people change..and i do!
Before, i might put my effort to explain you for ‘this is who i am, don’t get misunderstood, trust me, i would do anything to make you believe in me”
Now, i prefer to “this is who i am, i don’t care what you think bout me, i’ve done my best, if you don’t trust me it’s your problem,not mine, i won’t give any shit to defense for thing that i didn’t do wrong”

Before, i would have come to you with many sweet words of explanation and persuasion,
Now, i will just leave you with your own mind, for i will never give a shit for a worthless thing

before, I loved the things around me more (than me)
now, i consider myself more

before, i would have come to you, gave my best dedication as any role i played
now: i prefer to stay for myself and just call me if you need me to be there, people need so they ask, people don’t need and i would be annoying..no way for me to be taken as a granted annoying

before, you took me for granted, i would have ask what i did wrong, i may be able to fix it, and be suitable for you..
now, really, i prefer ask my self what i did wrong, nothing? i will just take a step away..you took me for granted? so prepare to miss me
i did wrong? so i’ll ask apology, but still not to be taken as granted

Before, i might know something wrong with you, i would have loved to come for an explanation
Now, if you chose saying nothing, i prefer to shut up my mouth, and enjoy pretending of knowing nothing and see you acting stupid in covering
we are all grown up..and i don’t see any reason to warn you more than i should…i am merciless..

people change, and yes i do
i prefer to love myself more and then you..
i love you the same, but now i love myself the more!

you are general you..I am I, me..myself..

yes could be no..

It’s when my heart says “yes”, but my pride and logic keep refusing and say “no”
me..who never beg for second, once my heart and pride got its rejection
me..who never put down myself once you scratch a mark, hurting me
me..who fight my tears with laugh so you would never recognize
me..who is much more sensitive than you thought and keep something just inside,again in the name of pride

i know, my pride will kill me someday..
but..
the reality took my innocent away

it’s up to what you say bout me
“the strong but fragile, or the fragile who pretends to be strong”
i wouldn’t give any shit

i am who i am
who will stand on my own feet and pride

me..who is now getting crazy staring on a her damn chat box

Papa..happy birthday..i love you the most

Papah..apah..
Lelaki terhebat di dunia ini bagiku
“happy birthday…selamat ulang tahun”
betapa sedihnya mengingat..lagi..kesekian kali nya..kesekian tahun tak bisa melewatkan ulang tahun mu bersama, tak bisa mencium dan memelukmu dan berkata sekedar “selamat ulang tahun”

tidak akan pernah mampu terucap dengan kata – kata, betapa bersyukurnya aku memilikimu dihidupku
betapa beruntungnya kami mempunyai ayah yang penuh cinta, pengertian dan kasih sayang
seorang ayah yang tidak pernah merasa gengsi saat mendekat dan berperan sebagai kawan bagi kami
tidak pernah akan terganti, saat kau merasa sakit untuk kami tanpa harus bertanya sakit yang kami rasa
tidak pernah akan terganti setiap tetes air mata yang terurai dan kau sembunyikan dari kami
tidak pernah akan terganti segala duka yang kau pikul demi kami, dalam bisu namun tergurat disetiap sudut mata dan kerut mu

Tuhan,
Ijinkan bliau tinggal terus bersama kami..
ijinkan kami menebus setiap bilur nya dengan kebanggan.
berikan kami waktu lebih dan lebih lagi

-crying out loud in the middle of the night