Why do you pray?

Why d you pray?

some ‘good’ people will say, ‘because we need it..to build our relationship with God’..bla..bla..bla…many good things about how great He is..

It’s not that i don’t believe it..I do!!, but tell me why you pray..the real from your heart..

habit?

what your parent teach you to?

you’re sad and begging of pampering?

you’re hoping for something?

you’re happy and need to say ‘thank you?’

Me? sometimes..i pray just because i’m afraid i forget how to pray..how to wish..and how to hope…ya..i’m afraid of being hopeless..that’s why sometimes i have feeling ‘i need to pray’..

Sounds too “me , myself and i” ?? yea..i’m not prayer..i’m not a good ‘child of God’..i am not..and i don’t pretend to

Protected: What that means to me

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me, failure, and rejection..

There’s something that keep ringing in my head from a conversation with friends of mine today, about how to face difficult moments , either failure or rejection..and which one is harder to face, well..we talked something more general..and i guess, for me..people may endure failure  better, and sometimes they are even motivated by..

But..sometimes, well many times, at least for me..facing rejection is not that simple, because it means we got to face the feeling of being unwanted, loosing the confidence, keep questioning what we do wrong when  we think we do good, questioning our capacity, value, or whatever good things that we are not confidence enough to claim we have…well, questioning of what we mean for and our existence is killing for me

And some people got the ways to overcome, some choose to pity themself, and say that they don’t want to be hypocrite wearing happy mask..some prefer to pretend nothing happen, and kick back the reality by keeping busy and roaming around, some prefer to get drunk to forget and cry when no one sees..

Me? i do those all! and i tell you, no matter what i have my smile on..how bout you then?

ICE 2012 We’re ready to give the best

Time runs sooo..sooo fast, it feels like just yesterday we got happy busy preparing the biggest annual event for us the Indonesia students here in NTUST, Indonesian Culture Exhibition 2011, (suddenly missing the memories, missing last year’s committees) but look..now we’re heading the ICE 2012..

Yesterday, Sunday Feb 26, 9 days before the ‘due date’ (march 5 – 7), we held the pre rehearsal for our performance night.It was tired, fun, challenging, and frustrating to realize so many detail things need to be fixed..but we did enjoy it..

and yeah it’s damn true that spirit gets the tired away..for some personal matters i couldn’t sleep at all the night before, slept like around 6.30 in the morning..with the panda eyes, annoying dizzy, (and some other friends were also so messed up, horrible tired) we run through the pre rehearsal started from 1 pm to 6.30 pm and continued with the evaluation  until midnight..tired! but we did it..we did it!

Apart from the performance, guess everything else is well prepared; performers – checked, costumes -checked, all the crews – checked, money and sponsor- checked..simply, i guess we’re ready to give the best..Crossing the fingers everything, all the restless effort will be paid with the successful event in the end! Kita bisa..kita pasti bisaaa!!

She..

Lie to her…surely he could..

Hurt her as he wants..surely he could

Things he doesn’t get..

She stays..she stays..always there..but her heart starts moving step by step into thousands..

I guess..she loves what she has..too much..

I guess..she loves herself..too much, not to be trampled..not to fall down to zero..to minus..

I guess she loves him, loves the way she loves him..not to be eased, into an anger

Thus…moving her heart away is the price she got to pay

She stops what she can stop..and saves what she should save..

Words of today…

words of the day

“There’s time when we think we want to disappear, but the truth is, we just want to be found”

“I feel, i know, i observe, i found, but i shut up..when you still lie, i enjoy how things turn around and enjoy to look how stupid you are..but..deep inside i suffer to realize how idiot i am”

Taipe, Feb 18th..10 C degree..

-hitting my own chest to let the breathless go away-

Interview at BCG

I had an interview today with a consulting company, Boston Consulting Groups, a worldwide reputation consulting company which offers such a good salary.

To be honest i tried this for a ‘nothing to loose’, though in the end i got excited and really want it after taking a look in to some websites about their reputation..and Leo’s interest on it, his excitement, somehow make me reconsider how big the company and the compensation they offer is..

Preparing myself for the interview…i changed my dress twice, with my own suit, i saw myself weird, so..in the last minutes i went to the next room of mine to try a luck if someone’s there so i can borrow her the suit, and lucky me..Fera was there, and great..she lent me hers, and kadabraah..that suited on me!

Took me like 30mins to dress up, i saw myself in the mirror and was cool..i loved how i looked until my friend simply said “where are you going? look so neat and formal..but…i don’t why..you..with your expression, with that suit..you..look so damn bitchy”  buahahahhaha..we both couldn’t stop laughing..i looked myself, my eyes make up, my long curly hair, my lips..well i know i am over confidence, but…really..i know i was cool and pretty..and i was confidence about myself..nothing’s wrong! so what if i look bitchy..the bitchy went on anyway :p

Scheduled at 17.45 i and Suci arrived to the location too early, was like 4.30, but anyway we went up, to register our attendance, and lucky us, seems like some applicants  didn’t come, so we didn’t need to wait longer and just got our turn after 15mins waiting

The Interview was conducted by a man which he didn’t even introduce himself, and he speaks only Japanese, so there was another woman as the interpreter who translated for him..mm..to be honest not so comfortable for me..but..no choice! the questions -were like informed by many others who had done- were general questions like: previous job experience, self introduction, why you want to join BCG, what consultant should do, the qualifications, what’s the most difficult time for you, how you overcome and deal with..and he closed it with a chance for me to ask him any question..and just crossed my mind i asked him ” how’s your life in BCG? do you enjoy? how you describe yourself there?” and he nicely described a lot..cool..it ended there, and he said that the result will be announced in 2 weeks.

Overall was a nice interview, even i think..much..much better if it can be conducted in English without interpreter..fhhhhh

And i think i did it well..not bad..about my chance? well..nothing to loose, i did all i could, my best..so…let’s the luck and God do the rest, because, as the person from company said, the company received “too many applicants” and it’s true, because i know a llooot of my friends applied for this, the company even needed to change and rearrange our interview schedule 3 times accordingly..mmm….so is like 1 among other hundreds. Que sera sera, whatever will be will be!

Protected: It’s just so real…

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No FB..but i’m here :)

I still receive some emails or chats questioning “why can’t i find you in FB?” or “why did you delete me from your friendlist in FB?” hehe.. I told you, i don’t delete anyone from my friend list..the truth..i deleted myself! no reason question please!

Not easy, because of that my cellphone rings more often, my chat: Y!M, Skype, MSN pop up new messages more often -and many times i need to pretend i’m off and put the invisible mode- , my email got more traffic …well..it is not because i’m famous (wanna be), but yeah..apparently i’m involved in some school activities, and some responsibilities are really required the coordination, and the worst thing is almost all meeting invitation, event invitation, sharing data and information are conducted in FB..so i’m almost totally lost and got no option but available myself in chat and cellphone..

but i’m here..always here..and my smile is always on..no matter what

Is a valentine….

Such a nice melting  Häagen-Dazs chocolate ice cream and a small cute box of chocolate, from a ‘new’ great and cool friend

Pretty pink rose from Chandra

a call from a friend, from exactly other part of the earth..olvin..

and i just realized..today is Valentine, Feb 14th..

hehe..i guess i’m just too old..ahh kinda missing the stupid simple and touching youth feeling..

and i remember “all you need is love..and a box of chocolate and flower!” hehe…it is always true, no matter how independent women are, there’s always such a romantic side left..and caring and love never fail work on it!

Thank you for making me remember guys

kisses..happy valentine for you who have faith in it :*

Amazing hair >.<

My hair is amazing!

hehe..i always love black hair, and never thought before to change my color..i did sometimes with spray temporary color for parties or to see how i look with hair colored..and most of it made me look more bitchy.. =)), so i decided black is just so me..and anyway yes thank God, my hair are so black..

But, you know what..sometimes we’re just bored, and maybe lil depressed…hehe..like i am..and i wanna change my hair color..so..i asked person in saloon i used to go when i was in Indonesia, what color can go on me, and she said would be difficult, because my pigment is strong and may need bleaching and several times coloring process if i do it in saloon…mmm..what d hell

and yeah..i’m bit crazy..so i did it by myself,  i bought a pack of wine purple hair color (brand: R*vlon) and experimented with myself, before rinsing i left it like 45 mins..and trataaaa….no result…my hair was still absolutely black! no changed at all..and my roomie told me that i may need to leave the dye longer like 2 hours..so exactly in the next day i did it again, this time with different brand (Sof*i) but still with the same color..go wine purple!. And as suggested i left the dye 2 hours before rinsing, and trataaa…i was a bit desperate..still!! the same black! just have a lil brownie on the up part!..huhhhh

But people know me, and how stubborn i am, i didn’t give up..i bought another pack, still with the same collor, but brighter…with different brand (L’o*eall) well i bought the most expensive one available in Watson..and yesterday i did the third coloring and i left it like 1 hour, you know what happened? STILL THE SAME BLACK!!! buuuuuu..i only have a lil reddies on the upper side..but the length part, and most of my hair are still the same black..

In the end..i give up!! hehe..3 times in row days is more than enough..maybe Leo is right..barbarian hair! the black pigment is just too strong..shhh

 

Dare to wish (?)…

“Be careful what you wish for, ‘Cause you just might get it all.”

Home – Christ Daughtry

Recognize the song? yap the lyric just rhymes so damn right to me..

Once i wished to feel, once i begged not to be cold heartless..

Be careful of what you wish…

It could strike you back..comes true abundantly…too much..uncontrolled..drives you mad and crazy, and you got to stop right away!

Because i do….and i’m stopping myself..mmm..well..i’m saving myself….

I do always choose wrong..or..life chooses me wrong….

Come what may..

Hey..I loose my appetite to write, feels like been ages i’m not here, not even check for the status update..nothing..

Well..i guess, i’m in the stage when i don’t even know what to write ans share, and i’m autism, busy with my own world..the world i have inside my head..and i guess it’s going to explode now..

New year came, the roman calendar and also the chinese calendar, but everything seems just the same for me..

My last semester here..but so far so slow, no significant progress, even to start my thesis, no movement to get some jobs..

Less traveling than before, spend more time with myself, internet, book and Leo..

Back to my previous hobby: cooking! i know i always love cooking, and the best part of it when we know other persons love our cook!

Got insomnia lately, and horrible nightmares..and again, some are to be told, some just to keep inside, because sometimes when we spell it out, we will sound like paranoid..what the hell!!! i don’t want the nightmares either!! people say it’s intuition, girl instinct..i say, yes maybe it’s true, i’m getting crazy so my mind walk cross the time and distance..

Loosing some confidence of myself..which is so not me..but shit happen, and i do question all things i thought i knew, but..well..did i? Do I? all the things i guessed i was ready, but well..i bet i know i’m not, all the things i was proud of myself but in the end, i’m just not good enough, all the dumb feeling are just back..i thought it left me, i thought i got cured..but no, years doesn’t cure..for other thing happen, it even strikes me more, down to minus..less than zero, there’s time i feel myself creepy..anyway i’m also questioning..what is ‘creepy’? something ‘not anymore’?….ohh don’t ask me!

Deactivate my Facebook, because for some reasons, my addicted to it, too much information given and shared are killing me..some cost too much to my heart, and that’s one of the way i need to save myself; disappear, stop taking a look, stop finding information that i don’t have to..

It is so damn true, to much information is killing us, thousands things that we better don’t know, and i guess i’m not strong enough to face the reality that i knew but i pretend i never knew, come what may…

The costs are just too much…and in the end, there’s thing that surely hell need to be saved, it’s myself!

Anyway getting back to our genuine life when people contact in person just sounds nice..lemme take my time..